I don't feel like going on Facebook and trying to sound like I'm OK tonight.
Tonight, I'm not OK. I'm incredibly sad that my husband is not with me. I'm frustrated to be living in someone else's house and not my own. I don't even HAVE one to go to. I'm tired of having to explain to my children that their Daddy is not coming home tomorrow. For a lot of tomorrows.
I know I should be trusting God and saying things like 'I'm so thankful I'm with family and not on my own. I'm so glad my kids have such a great Daddy that they miss him.'
I am trying to trust God. But I'm failing at it right now. And I don't want to put on the facade that everything is fine and I'm this amazing, strong, brave woman. I'm not and I'm tired of people telling me I am. Do you know how hard it is to live up to that expectation?
I really just want to cry. I want to be sad and know it's OK, because God didn't make me a robot but a human being with emotions. And not feel guilty for being so sad.
I also would really like some chocolate. But I don't have that either.
3 comments:
You can be brave & very sad at the same time! And being brave doesn't mean you have to feel brave or emanate courage at every moment. :)
And it takes courage to be transparent & share your heart, which you just did.
I know it's got to be so hard & I'm sorry. :( I haven't ever been away from Mark as long as you've been away from Athan now. And I know it stinks. It's not supposed to be great. It's supposed to be stinky... that's how God made it, like you told me yesterday. It's okay to not be OK.
Love you & wish I had words to make it better. But I hate this for you & am hoping it's somehow over fast! Praying God continues to carry you & help you. Please feel free to cry with me any time!
(Sorry you don't have any chocolate, either! ;) We didn't leave any from our trip, did we?)
The chocolate made me laugh. And I have some. So as a fellow "husband is gone" wife (though only for four 1/2 weeks the first time around) I will donate an entire bar of Swiss chocolate to your not so great day.
It sucks. It's ok for you to not feel great. Nobody expects you to. Really. As someone who is literally only just now learning that we were created as an emotional being (and not only rational) I will give you the permission to tell the "world" "No, it stinks, today is one to forget about, and I want my own place." It's not ungrateful or selfish, just a Mom that is trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel while her little children are trying to do their best to make sense of this.
I am grateful however that you are here and have family with you that love you very much. And even friends that like you ;)
Big hug Ashley :)
Ursina- I will take that chocolate! I mean really, who in their right mind would turn down swiss chocolate?? ;)
Thanks friends. I am better this morning. Sometimes it just helps to get it out instead of stuffing it down. You guys are so sweet and kind and I am happy to say I am very thankful for your friendship!
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